Good Morning, my Directors Of The Bored,
Today is the first in Scotland where Lockdown officially eases as we enter Phase One of that process. May we only ever look backwards at this as a distant memory – the day things began to irreversibly improve.
You can now officially meet another household outside in a garden, provided you retain social distancing guidelines and there are no more than 8 of you.
And if you don’t have a garden, don’t be using mine – we’re painting.
By the way…..LOOK
There could be paint drying on the wall, and a pool of greasy liquids drying into a spot where I once stood.
Meanwhile, when one day earlier this week, 5 metres took 5 litres, I refused to be defeated.
I now have a further 20 litres and this guy arriving this morning.
I will paint gun my my way to happiness and success.
Hear my roar, for I am man.
Let’s get on with today’s blog.
People Are Amazing
I’m not really sure why this guy’s made it. In real terms, if he wasn’t doing this up there, he’d be making donuts on your lawn down here.
The Useful
I mentioned this earlier in the week – Take That are reuniting, virtually, with Robbie for a special ‘At Home’ concert tonight. Here’s how to watch.
This will kill a few minutes as well. Josh Gad has taken to reuniting the casts of movies he loves. Previously it was The Goonies. This time it’s The Lord Of The Rings.
Now, if you go all out and manage to find a way to project the Take That gig or Lord Of The Rings onto a wall in the garden, whilst you have another household visiting, you’ll need snacks. This will ensure you retain your social distancing etiquette.
Yes, this chef has designed a 2 metre long sandwich to enable you to be exactly the right distance away from anyone else. Well, it’ll work at the beginning, but surely the moment you take a bite, you’ve entered the danger zone. No, no. I think the only way to categorically guarantee everybody’s safety, they stay at home and you munch that bad boy down on your own.
OR, you could try social distancing guaranteed meal number 2. This has just been launched by Burger King in Italy.
The Social Distancing Whopper has 3 times as many onions as the original with the intention being you’ll smell so bad, nobody will want to come anywhere near you.
After all that, you’ll most likely need help from an Orthodontist or Dental Hygienist. Good news, they can all open from Monday, June 8th, but it’ll look and feel a bit different.
And just a week or so after that, (what can feel like teeth being pulled on a bad day), football returns in England.
It’ll be played in front of staff and management, but feature fake cheering. Manchester United boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer says he hopes noise at Old Trafford after all these years won’t put his players off.
World Of The Weird
Imagine the conversation at work when people start to physically return. Inevitably it’ll turn to, “So what did you do to get through Lockdown?” “I used the time to have a clear out” says one. “I took up baking” pitches up another. “Well, I broke the world record for the fastest time to put on 10 t-shirts” says a third.
His name’s Mike. He’s from Idaho. Here’s his back story.
Meanwhile in Ireland, as Mike’s putting tops ON…..the first ever socially distant dating show has taken to the air.
It’s called Love In Isolation, and the makers of the show say they’re hoping to create a couple that lasts longer than one made by any other reality programme, which, you have to say, must be on the cards, given it’ll probably take this lot the best part of another year before they’re allowed to physically meet.
Things We’ve Discovered In Lockdown.
It’s not been that long since Netflix gifted the world with After Life Season 2 from Ricky Gervais, but already a third season has been agreed, AND Netflix has pencilled in another new show from Ricky after that.
Here’s the man who this week reduced Elton John to tears, and then tweet he was reminded of Nelson Mandela.
It’s time for The Funnies
And, of course, we couldn’t let the roll-out of Phase 1 of Lockdown go unmentioned. Where’s my Janey Warning Board?….
Right, here.
Today’s News In Brief
Let’s finish with some music. These guys really do entwine the poetry of a working man’s life to the most beautiful soundtrack. Watch the story all the way through.
Thanks for reading.
Stay safe x
#LaughterSpreadsFaster
Sociable Distance 