Thursday May 20th #LaughterSpreadsFaster

Good Morning, Directors Of The Bored,

Especially to our latest recruits from Singapore and South Africa.

Thanks for checking us out.

We appreciate every visit, but those from far flung locations to our own mean we’re getting there on our quest to make humour scour the planet quicker and for longer than Coronavirus.

That’s it. That’s all we do. Try and make you chuckle when you don’t think you can.

Now, please remember, it’s Thursday, so we’re on the doorstep to applaud this evening at 8. I’m amazed how in some areas this event has grown arms and legs with musicians, gymnasts and more.

It’s a bit like when the circus arrives in town.

So long as you remember to do it, anything goes. I try to remind my kids immediately before we start by telling them, “imagine you’re clapping for Uncle Sasha”.

He’s a consultant thoracic surgeon at St Bart’s.

I’m not entirely sure they get it.

Let’s dive straight into The Useful

This first item is a mark of genius in my book.

An artist in America has designed a face-mask which reveals the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter as you breathe.

Next, as you lie there day-dreaming of one day travelling again, (even a trip to a travel agent’s would do it) kill wait time by learning words in other languages which may provide a stumbling block. I’m not talking about foreign words, but language from English-speaking nations.

Specifically, Australia and America.

I think my particular favourite is Flip-Flops, which Aussies call Thongs.

Americans are very confused by that.

If you’re looking for any kind of work, I have the dream job for you.

And it really is.

It’s for the position of Bed Tester, at £60 per hour.

I’m not even joking. Find out more, and how to apply, here.

Last one in The Useful today helps you tackle one of those jobs you’ve been putting off, but now have all the time in the world for – cleaning out your hand bag.

I absolutely dread when my wife asks me to grab something from her bag, because every time I stick my hand in there I pick up an injury from a tail comb, scissors, tweezers or something similar. Museums and galleries should put artefacts and paintings in there for safe-keeping. No-one would ever risk it.

However, in that article above, how to deep clean your bag, and, more importantly, the things you should have in there when you repack it.

World Of The Weird

You know that feeling you occasionally get during Lockdown that you’re the only one in the house who cooks/cleans/does the washing?

Well, if it boils over unchecked, this is what could happen. Joanne’s husband Jim has recently retired. Ordinarily, he’d probably have been off out golfing or fishing, spending the afternoon with his pals in the pub, but then, of course, Lockdown hit, so Joanne and Jim have been at home together this entire time, and Joanne asked Jim to make the bed for the first time in their entire married life.

She also coincidentally decided to make a video record of his efforts, utterly convinced he’d fail horrifically.

She wasn’t too wide of the mark. Jim found after folding away sheets and fluffing pillows, there was still an abundance of surplus cushions he had absolutely no idea where to place.

So Jim, being a man who couldn’t care less, improvised.

For days on end.

And became a viral hit, simply to spite her.

Careful what you wish for.

This next one is my favourite story for today. It involves another peculiarity of Lockdown you may recognise – not being able to concentrate properly.

Daniel wanted to make the 30th birthday for his girlfriend Hayley, extra special by ordering her a personalised engraved gin glass online.

Only….