Thursday May 14th #LaughterSpreadsFaster

Good Morning my Directors Of The Bored,

You alright?

Looks like another dry sunny day where I am, which means more gardening.

My enthusiasm is unparalleled. It’s a two, green, thumbs-up from me, located just next to my green fingers.

I actually don’t mind it, if the weather’s kind, and the theory is if we’re going to be stuck here most of the Summer without a break somewhere else, might as well make our environment as lovely as we can.

Plus, you can rope the kids in, and make ‘gardening’ a school lesson. I don’t even try and finesse it with the idea that we’re taking a closer look at biology or anything like that anymore. They seem happy enough with the break and to get outside again for a bit.

And it means we don’t have to do actual lessons. Teachers, you won in week one. Sending out recipe instructions for home made playdough to keep in the fridge is just twisting the knife.

Anyway, loads more cool stuff coming up to keep you occupied and entertained in the Lockdown, including The Funnies, as always, towards the end of the blog. Scroll there right now if you like, but know you’ll miss heaps of good things and I’ll thrice smite your family and all your descendants.

People Are Amazing

It’s time again later to clap for the key workers/carers/essential staff – whatever you want to call them. I’m not especially fond of the term ‘key-worker’ because it makes me think of the guy in Timpson’s cutting you three for the front door to give to family members so they can let themselves in.

Not that that person isn’t ‘essential’, especially if you’re locked out, but you take my point.

I don’t know how it’s been in your neighbourhood, but in mine, the numbers have dwindled across the weeks as people have become less interested. Like everything else it’s become commonplace, and therefore routine or mundane. The shine’s worn off the act of it. Except for my wee girl, who appears to have made it her life’s mission to find an item noisier than the previous week to bash for a couple of minutes at 8pm. I think she guilts half the folk in the street to come out for the second part of the applause, after initially choking on the last of their tea at the shock of the rattling. It’s only a matter of time before one of them needs an emergency Heimlich before being rushed to hospital by ambulance.

Still, at least then they’ll have someone to remember to come out and clap for the following week.

8pm. Don’t forget. Kick the bucket.

Here’s another entry for People Are Amazing.

This is Ashley. He’s teaching over 4000 kids Maths and English online, streaming directly from his shed.

Admirable.

If I had a shed, it’d be where I would run to and lock myself away from teaching Maths and English right now. But some people, like Ashley are made of stronger stuff.

Get the full story here.

The Useful

As the weeks turn into months in Lockdown I notice the regularity of my recommendations for items which are alcohol related in some way.

I make no apology for this whatsoever. I’m merely reflecting the character make-up of a nation.

Today, we’re talking Virtual Craft Beer Tasting.

You register. They send it out. Or something. I’m 4 in already. Click the link.

Also, NEVER touch communal beer nuts.

It’ll probably be the lead reason for sending us crashing into a second spike of Coronavirus.

I’ve included this next article in The Useful because it’ll wile away a few minutes reading now, before potentially becoming handy when we’re all allowed out again.

It’s a piece about the simple phone tell which could be a sign your partner is cheating on you.

OR they might be planning something special to treat you, or not wanting to have the glare of phone notifications going off when you’ve dimmed the lights for movie night. Or a million other things, but that depends on where you are in your relationship, I guess.

Next, as most Brits who were hoping to holiday abroad this Summer now consider those hopes dashed, thoughts are turning to the possibility of maybe sneaking in a stay-cation.

Helpfully, someone’s compiled a list of places you might want to try.

Unhelpfully, I already live here and I don’t want you leaving all your sweetie wrappers and beer cans all along the shores of the Lochs.

So don’t.

Thanks.

Meanwhile, pick your jaw up after a look at West Voe and Langamull Beach, Isle Of Mull.

Finally for today in The Useful, the world’s starting to adapt.

Last week from Italy, word of diners being ushered into booths protected by perspex partitions.

“Hold my beer”, said Amsterdam.

World Of The Weird

This is the part of the blog dedicated to the strange behaviour exhibited by humans and our animal friends over the course of Lockdown.

First today, because their services aren’t in quite such a high demand, those tech people from work (the ones you never see because they linger mysteriously in the shadows and only ever communicate by email) have got together in a group chat to compare horror stories from some of their call outs. And the stories are horrific.

Who would have a candle on their computer?

Is it any wonder tech guys hide?!

This next story though, takes The World Of The Weird World Cup for this week.

Everywhere you go on social media, jokes and memes about moustaches and roots.

Those are from your normal folk observing Lockdown.

But some, whisper it, have been flaunting those rules to get their hair and beauty stuff done anyway, because at the end of the day, it’s important you look glamorous on a ventilator.