I remember hearing a famous snooker player say “Some days the pockets are like dustbin lids, the others it’s like threading the eye of a needle.”
I used to love watching the World Snooker Championship as a teenager. Primarily because it was on during study leave for exams, that time of life where you make it your sole objective to become an expert in largely everything except that which you’re supposed to be studying for.
Past Papers are actually distributed by the Devil’s own publishing label. True, lesser known, story.
But, I digress from the moral of the tale. “Some days the pockets are like dustbin lids, the others it’s like threading the eye of a needle” said this Grasshopper Of The Green Baize.
His point, largely this: You wake up one day, and everything goes right from the moment your feet touch the floor landing in the right slippers. Other days, you go to brush your teeth, miss your mouth altogether and make your nostrils minty fresh with a go faster stripe.
Yesterday’s blog was thin on material. I hunted all morning, but there were no fresh morsels to be had. Today, they’re falling from the tree and walloping me on the head.
“Life such is” as Yoda would probably say.
Not quite as good as “No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try”, but y’know, up there.
I guess what I’m saying is, if yesterday’s blog was a bit meh, this one is more than a bit special.
On with the show.
Let me start with a warning.
If, like other normal humans, you’re barrelling a few calories more than you should down your gullet in Lockdown, and can’t seem to get out of the rut of it, take a look at what you’re doing to the wildlife when you throw out your rubbish, and they get into the leftover bits of barbecued pork ribs, burgers, pizza, garlic bread, steak medallions, fried eggs and square sausage. And that’s just from first breakfast.
I wouldn’t have thought it true until I spotted the world’s fattest pigeons perched on our back gate yesterday morning.
Look at the state of them. They wish they could take off.
That gate should actually be about a foot higher.
So, if you won’t do it for yourself. Do it for the butterball neckless pigeons of Deeside.
People Are Amazing
Love this.
And this.
And closer to home, this is the best thing I’ve seen from the teachers of Liberton Primary to their pupils.
The Useful
It might be a little Noel Edmonds from his time on ‘Deal, Or No Deal’, but you put a wish out into the universe, and the universe will respond.
In Sunday’s Blog I told you about the Adult Ice Cream Truck which has taken Houston by storm, delivering frozen cocktails to residents.
I hoped it would start a trend, and lo….
Like everything else, because of Coronavirus, celebrations are, at best, stifled. There’s a pamphlet kicking about somewhere suggesting we drape home made Union Jacks in the windows, and have street parties where everyone celebrates from their front door, but I suspect most of that will fall flat.
So, I thought this might prove handy to those wishing to mark the day formally in some way. Katherine Jenkins, (who clearly canna see Andrea Bocelli with anything) is performing the first ever concert to an empty Royal Albert Hall, which will be streamed live around the world. Apparently there’s even a link-up with Dame Vera to sing “We’ll Meet Again” as a virtual duet.
It’s on Friday at 6pm and you can watch it here.
World Of The Weird
Strictly speaking, this is not an item of behaviour which has sprung up as a result of Lockdown. From what I understand, this is something which has been around in certain parts of the UK for some time, BUT, it has grown a new army of fans, and opposition of disbelievers during this period.
It’s Milk Coke.
Personally, I believe the correct response to that statement was to throw up a little in your own mouth, but I’m equally a proponent of not knocking something until you’ve tried it, so I’ll just have to remain silent on the issue, because I have absolutely (Coke) Zero intention of doing so.
If you’re a braver soul than me, the recipe for optimum appreciation of said concoction is apparently 2/3 full fat Coke to 1/3 UHT whole milk.
My own reasoning for ‘it can’t be that good’ is that if it was, Coke, by this stage would have found a way to breed cows to deliver it naturally, and be making a further fortune with it.
Things That Make You Go Awwwwww
Things We’ve Learned In Lockdown
Today, that lessons is – flights in jet fighters do not make great retirement gifts.
This story landed (just) in France, a little shy of the German Border.
A pensioner who was gifted a surprise flight in an $87,500,000 fighter jet was ejected at 2,500ft after accidentally grabbing the ejector seat handle to ‘steady himself’.
The report details how the man never expressed any desire to take the flight, and that it had been organised by the French Air Force at the request of the Defence Ministry, which had put pressure on the man to hop in the passenger seat.
The report states: “The need to keep the surprise until the moment of the flight had hugely risky consequences, especially as regards preparation.
“Faced with a fait accompli on the day of the flight, it was very difficult for him to refuse to participate.”
“This situation generated a feeling of stress for the passenger, and this was particularly felt during the ejection seat briefing where he had to assimilate a large amount of information in a very short time.”
I’m whooshed back to my 9th (I think) birthday where my parents took me to Nairn to ride a quad bike, foolishly believing 4 wheels would give me better balance than 2. All I remember is the helmet being placed on my head, followed by a series of revving engines, as a man pointed at various bits of the bike. I didn’t hear any of the instruction at all resulting in him patting me on the back to start, and me taking off down the track a few metres before being thrown by the bike, and then taking it with me as I rolled theatrically until coming to what would otherwise have been a triumphantly comedic halt were it not for the fact I had burned most of the gravel into both legs and arms and a fair degree of my chest.
So anyway, flights in a fighter jet do not make suitable retirement gifts, with a side order of don’t let your 9 year old on a quad bike unless the instructions are give beforehand in a changing room where there are no revving engines or helmet restricting your ability to hear the instructions.
And mercifully, it’s time for The Funnies.
Gosh, it’s been a while, but she’s back with a Two-fer. First though, hud on, where’s my Janey board?
And now, today’s News In Brief
Let’s play out with some music.
Thanks for reading.
Stay safe x
#LaughterSpreadsFaster
Sociable Distance 